The Regret of Being Alive
by Yamiga
Summary: Three days after the battle, Kitty finds Nathaniel barely alive under some remains of rubble. Much to his dismay,she saves his life. Now, Nathaniel is both wheelchair bound and very depressed. In need of help, Kitty summons Bartimaeus for some advice. While attempting to aid Nathaniel,the Djini discovers feelings for Nathaniel that he thought had long been destroyed years ago.
1. Chapter One: Keeping Things to Myself

**Title: The Regret of Being Alive**

**Rating: T - M for later chapters.**

**Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Angst, Friendship, Family**

**Summary: Three days after the battle, Kitty finds Nathaniel barely hanging on under some remains of rubble. Much to his dismay,she saves his life. Now, Nathaniel is both wheelchair bound, very depressed and nearing the verge of suicide. In need of help and worry for Nathaniel, Kitty summons Bartimaeus for some advice to save Nathaniel's life. While attempting to aid a very stubborn Nathaniel ,the Djini discovers feelings for him that he thought had long been destroyed years ago and that was when Ptolomey died.**

**Warnings: Slash is the main one. If you don't like it, don't read. **

* * *

Nathaniel glared up ahead and stared at what was visible. Rocks, stone, glass you name it. Basically anything and everything that was crushing him. He wasn't in pain as he'd expected himself to be, in fact...he felt nothing, nothing at all. He was only aware that he was still somehow alive but yet he wavered on the thin line between life and death.

He wanted death.

Not only did he want it, but he also deserved it. A few life changing experience before his pre-demise didn't eliminate all his sins. His abusive to Bartimaeus, his harshness towards Kitty and other commoners. He wasn't good enough to even look at any of them. So he was ready, and he wanted to except death. But why then, why had he not gone yet?

That answer came sooner than he expected.

He began to see small cracks forming in the rubble above him. Rays of light began to pour in and attack him with the world outside. For the first time in a while, he saw outside, he felt a cool breeze hit his face and he felt the warm touch of a hand. Someone was saving him.

No! I want to die! Leave me be! He thought, and he wanted to yell it at the top of his lungs but he couldn't even move his mouth.

More and more stones and shards of glass were being removed from his body and soon enough, the stabbing of the suns light attacked him and he was brought back to reality once more.

For the first time in what seemed like years, he felt...pain. An agonizing pain. He wanted to scream but yet, no words came to his mouth. He could only show his emotion through his eyes and then he saw her. Kitty Jones.

She stared back down at him with shock. Her hands covered her mouth in disbelief and to his surprise, she started to lightly weep.

"Nathaniel! Stay with us okay...you'll be fine! We're going to get you out of here..." No! That's not what he wanted. Could she not just leave him there to die?

He felt an overwhelming presence fall over him. Perhaps it was regret or guilt but it was heavy. This presence mixed with the outside air and sunlight made him weak once again. He didn't know if he'd ever wake again after doing this but he closed his heavy eyes and felt himself drifting.

This was it, he knew it. There was no way he could survive after this.

_Sorry Bartimaeus, for everything. I never got to tell you how thankful I really was...nor, how I felt about you. It doesn't matter though. You deserve better than me, you always have, you always will._

He knew that his thoughts were useless but it made him feel better as he slowly drifted and left the world. His time was coming and he felt somewhat reassured.

Sure, no one knew what he truly thought, Bartimaeus most likely hated him and Kitty would be in for a grand surprise when she returned with help, but hey.

Perhaps, it was better this way.

* * *

**I read the end of the Bartimaeus Trilogy today and I felt a pit in my stomach for Nathaniel. Does anyone else feel bad for him? I believe that he needed a better chance in life, maybe he needed to start over. And on top of that, I felt even worse for him while reading the parts with Ptolomey. We all know Nathaniel could have treated Bartimaeus better, right? And if it was between Nat and Ptolomey, Barty would no doubt go for Ptolomey...**

**I just feel for Nathaniel towards the end, so I'm writing this little fic for him. Remember, I do not own this series. **


	2. Keeping Things to Myself

Once again, Kitty glared at herself in the small mirror. Her face started to clear of wrinkles but still, her hair remained starry white. Piper told her that she still looked beautiful, but she didn't buy it. She didn't believe it when anyone told her, only when he did. Nathaniel.

So long, he'd plagued her mind as an enemy and now, she found herself missing him more than ever. No, she wasn't in love with him...but he was her friend and more than anything, she knew he needed help. Never had he experienced the love of a companion, a friend, a mother... He had known only hatred and competition and for that, his demise came even more suddenly than it should have.

Kitty knew that if she had one chance, she could show him the true meaning of life and she'd gladly do it. But Nathaniel was dead. Perhaps he died with guilt on his shoulders or a cold loneliness.

Kitty placed the mirror down on her desk and shook her head. He wasn't dead. She knew it, he just couldn't be. He was always around when she didn't want him near and now, when she needed him around the most, he was dead.

She laughed at the mere thought of it. Nathaniel was not just a magician but he was...Nathaniel, and he simply could not be dead.

* * *

"Kitty..." Piper began. "We've already had cleaning crews searching the rubble up and down! His body would have been discovered by now."

"Well, is there anyway I can look for myself?" Kitty replied, buttoning up her coat. "I mean, if there's a slim chance, I'd like to take it."

"You were here yesterday. Is there anything I can do to put your mind at ease on the subject?" Piper glared about the park and steadily extended her finger. "Look at the emergency and rescue crews! If anyone is alive, they would've already found them."

Kitty sat down on some of the remaining grass. She relaxed herself for a while and began to rub her head. Piper sat down near her.

"Alice," She began and noticed a slight jolt from Piper upon hearing her real name. "You know as much as I do that he isn't really dead...I mean, was anyone else found?"

"You won't want to hear this Kitty but...we have located Ms. Farrar's body or, Ms. Farrar herself..." Piper paused. "She's alive."

"Well then, it looks like you've some trouble on your hands." Kitty quietly replied. Piper nodded and stretched.  
"Kitty, if you really believe he is alive then I advise you to search for him before any of the magicians find him. From experience, I know that magicians are a cruel breed. You don't meet many like Mr. Button and myself, or Nathaniel for that fact...If they find him, if Farrar gets a hold of him they will corrupt him again. They'll turn him into the John Mandrake we all hate. I don't think he's dead either." Piper added the last part to make Kitty feel better. "If you want to find him...at least let me help you."

"You'd do that?'' Kitty seemed surprised.  
"What are friends for?"

* * *

The sun had beat hard on the two girls backs.

Every once in awhile, Kitty felt as if her work was coming down to nothing. Six hours both women had been baking in the hot sun and they hadn't found anything. Kitty was just about ready to call off the search and Piper was but willing until they both made a small discovery.

Hair. Black hair visible from a large amount of rubble and stones.

The two looked at each other and nodded. With her gloved hands, Kitty kneeled down and began to tear away from the debris in front of her. Quicky! Quickly! She told herself as hair became more and more visible.

Then there it was...a face. Bloodied and and bruised. The boy was instantly distinguishable. Nathaniel, he was alive. Kitty was filled with the weight of relief and she felt tears making their way down her cheeks.

"Nathaniel!" She yelled. "Stay with us okay...you'll be fine! We're going to get you out of here" His eyes were open, but he didn't say a word. Instantly, Kitty rose and ran to Piper who seemed as surprised as she was.

"Did you?"  
"Yes! Come quickly Alice! Come on he needs our help." And with that, they two ran over to the near dead body and made a strong effort to pull him out. It all worked out in the end.

* * *

"Paralyzed." The doctor breathed, clear as day. "In fact, I am surprised that he is not dead." Kitty's shoulders sagged.

"When can he come home?"  
"Soon, Ms. Jones, soon. But I must ask, what relations do you have with him?"  
Kitty paused. "Close friends." The doctor pursed his lips.  
"I see." He said, tapping the clipboard. "Well then, you just wait here. For a while, do you own a car?"  
"My friend does...she's waiting outside." Kitty gestured towards the door.  
"That's excellent. Beware Ms. Jones, it'll take him some time to completely heal. Are you ready to offer...permanent help?"  
"Yes," Kitty smiled. "Yes, more than anything."  
The doctor paused but sat next to her placing the clipboard in her lap. "You will need to sign a few things dear." He handed her a pen. "I need to get back to the patient...he'll be back shortly and oh. Don't worry about the bill or any medical expenses. They're as good as covered."

After ten minutes of singing papers, Kitty was finally done and the doctor had come out with Nathaniel.  
The sight wasn't as awful as before. He was in the usual hospital scrub, his hair had grown longer and wild. His eyes though, were dull in fact he didn't even face Kitty. His head was down with his bangs nearly covering his face. There were bandages covering his injured side.

"Nathaniel!" Kitty rose and ran to meet her friend. He made no notion toward her.  
"He can hear you dear, but his senses are dull. They will not be back for a while...Please, you can leave him with us at the hospital, we can find a reh_"  
"No sir." Kitty interjected. "Thank you for your help, but I think I can take care of him."

* * *

Piper had left earlier that evening. She had wanted to make sure that Nathaniel was fine and promised not to tell anyone of his existence. It was up to Kitty now.

"So..." She began standing at the stove. "How has it been?"  
Nathaniel sat in his wheelchair in the kitchen. As usual, he didn't say a word, he didn't even face Kitty. She smiled at him.

"Sorry...I really am! I don't mean to make you feel...um...I don't know how to say it." Kitty turned the stove on and began to cook.

She glared back at the boy whose head was face down and let a sigh pass. She knew that the whole process would be hard but hey, she'd get through it and so would he.

* * *

Three months later proved horrible.

The good news, Nathaniel's voice had returned to him, his senses were back and he was slowly gaining the ability to walk again. The bad news was that he was depressed, felt like a burden and Kitty feared near suicidal.  
Nathaniel wouldn't eat, he'd neglect to take his heart medicine and she knew that, that would kill him.

* * *

"Blimey! Just eat it!" Kitty yelled at the top of her lungs. She was running late for work and as usual, she was having trouble with Nathaniel.

"Kitty, I already told you that I'm not hungry. Look what time it is. Do you want to be late?" Nathaniel shifted in his wheel chair and gestured towards the clock.

"I'm not leaving until you eat your breakfast."  
"Then you'll be here for a while."  
"Nathaniel!"  
"Kitty!"

With a grunt, the girl turned on a heel and stormed outside. She'd neglected to put her coat on that day, so needless to say, her day was dampened.

When she returned home late at night, she had realized that Nathaniel's breakfast was in the garbage yet the plate was washed and put up. This meant he was trying to stand again and he was going against the doctors orders. He never took anything slow. He needed to understand that learning to walk didn't just take a day. But no. He had to speed things up.

Kitty walked into his room and found him sleeping. His room was medium sized, he had a desk, and a lamp. On the desk sat a notebook which Kitty knew all too well of. He'd write down his emotions and how he felt. Nothing in the notebook was positive, the only thing that sparked interest in Kitty were his emotions on Bartimaeus.

Kitty had found out that Nathaniel's emotions for the Djinni were complicated. At one moment there was nothing but pure love, at another moment there was hate and then sadness. Later, she'd figured out who all the hatred was directed towards. It wasn't Bartimaeus or herself, but Ptolemy. Nathaniel had known that Bartimaeus had loved the Egyptian Prince but the Djinni would never show the same emotion for him.

Nathaniel knew that Bartimaeus had hated him, despised him, wanted him to die. He was willing to go that far, to end his own life if he knew that that's what Bartimaeus wanted.

As Kitty read on, she felt a surge of panic. Many times, she'd attempt to help Nathaniel get over his emotions for the Djinni but nothing worked. Sooner or later, when she was gone for work, she'd come home to seeing Nathaniel dead and that would truly traumatize her.

The next morning was much like the same. No work for Kitty though. That day, she wanted to talk to Nathaniel about his notebook, perhaps ease his tension.

* * *

"Of course that's how I feel." He said.  
"Well, that's now the way to go about things." Kitt replied, trying to console him. The two sat on the living room couch staring down at their lunches.  
"Kitty...you had friends, you were a good person. I didn't and I was a horrible person. I truly was, I oppressed commoners like yourself, I was horrible to my servants and..." He paused. "Why did you save me? I would've been better off dead."  
"Stop saying that!" Kitty made way to slap him but stopped midway at his face. Nathaniel looked horrible, his eyes were sunken with large bags underneath, his skin was nearing grey and his hair was long and unkempt. He was completely hopeless.  
"Do you really mean it Nathaniel?"  
"Yes!" He angrily looked back at Kitty. "Why wouldn't I Kitty! I hate myself!"  
"So you'd be willing to end your own life..."  
"Yes..."  
Kitty angrily rose. "Well then, that's good to know." She quickly turned and headed upstairs. Three months this had been going on and she knew that if Nathaniel willed it, then he would take his own life. The problem with the situation was that she didn't know him as well as she thought. He had no friends, no family or anything.

The only person that really knew him was...no, she couldn't. That would be bad for both Nathaniel and the Djinni. But she needed the help, perhaps just for some small advice, nothing large! Yes, that's what she would do. Summon Bartimaeus then consult him, after that he'd be free. A piece of cake.

Of course...that was easier said than done.

* * *

**Yeah! Barty's gonna be in the next chapter! Remember, I don't own this...none of it. And also, who likes RE 4 and if you like it, who likes Salazar?**

**review pwees.**


	3. Unfiltered Anger

Nathaniel had to be dead. He wasn't immortal was he? Well, it didn't seem that way, as I was being forced from my resting place and roughly brought back to Earth, smack in the middle of a pentacle. No surprisingly, standing there outside of her pentacle was Kitty.

"Bartimaeus." She began, walking over to the pentacle that held me and smudging it with her foot. "I really need your help." As usual, I took Ptolemy's form but that didn't change my mood in the slightest. This was a classic, she and Nathaniel were both going to drive me to insanity.

"What is it this time? Do you realize that I literally just got back. Yes, I hold high respect for you but this can't be a continuous gig. You know that_" "Nathaniel...he is alive."

That was enough to get me to stop. Nathaniel, the prat, the idiot almost anything could think of, he was alive. Yes he was horrible, he went power hungry and he even had feelings for that Farrar, but I still held a little something more than gratitude toward him. Love, perhaps? Maybe or maybe not.

"And, why should I care?" I asked, hiding my joy. "He really is hard headed isn't he?"  
"Well, I guess you can say that...I just need you to talk to him! Honest and I swear that you'll never have to talk to him again. I'll never summon you again, okay?"  
**  
**I weighed my options as I steadily stepped out of the pentacle. "Fine, I'll talk to him but that's it."

* * *

I expected to see Nathaniel. The proud boy who had saved London, what I saw however, was a boy in a wheel chair. I sick and thin boy. He looked depressed and saddened. My presence didn't do a thing.

I stood before him as I entered his room, my black eyes locked onto his.

He didn't face me right away, his head slowly rose and then just like that, it went back down.

"Not even a simple hello?" I crossed my arms. He still didn't say anything. "Natty boy?"

"What?" He finally spoke, and he was looking at me. "What do you want, did Kitty send you?"

"Who else. Hey, do you remember who I am?"

"Yeah, how could I forget? You know, I really don't need you right now, so you might as well beg Kitty to dismiss you. That's what you do best."

"What?" I became silent for a while. What was his problem, where and when did he get off talking to me like that?

"You heard me! Leave, I don't really want you here. Why don't you sulk back in the other place where you find comfort in those nice images and thoughts of that stupid Ptolomey."

Now, he'd crossed the line. I wasn't sure what his problem was but he was really ticking me off. I edged towards him and grabbed him by the collar, nearly pulling him out of his wheel chair.

"Now, I don't know what's wrong with you or what your problem is but you watch your mouth when talking about him like that or I'll_"

"What? You'll kill me? Oh please, do it already. The only reason Kitty brought you here is so you could convince me not to kill myself and you're doing a grand job at it. So go ahead, kill me."

There was a pause, a grunt and I dropped him back into his chair.

I exited the room and met Kitty in the living room.

"The kid is a prat, an ungrateful brat and..." Kitty frowned as I said this.

"Let me get the circle ready."

"No," I began. "Are you kidding? I think I'm staying."

* * *

**Sorry for the shortness!**

**Thanks a billion for the reviews. I was very close to deleting this story.**

**Remember, I don't own this.**


	4. Bad Breakfast

"I want that Kitty Jones arrested and thrown into the Tower of London!" Jane yelled, stomping around a makeshift office. "How dare she!"

"But she is a hero, Ms. Farrar." Alice, or Piper yelled. A few lower magicians began to agree. "Throw her in jail, we've got a whole 'nother rebellion."

"She is just a commoner, Ms. Piper! You'd best hold your tongue when you speak out against me!" Jake replied.

"And who put you in charge?" A lower magician asked. Her was a middled aged man. "We have no government, who says we must listen to you?"

A positive uproar was heard from the crowd after his response. Jane raised her hand in silence.

"If we want order, then we need a leader. I am leader material."

"Well, we should vote, and I vote for Ms. Rebecca Piper to lead us." One man said.  
"I agree," said another. "She knows how to lead." And shortly after, more and more magicians raised their hands in agreement. Piper blushed with embarrassment.

"Well then," Jane said with venom in her voice. "You pick the weak one. This woman befriends commoners and beggars alike. You'll all see, you'll come crawling back to be wishing that you'd listened before. Gosh, you all are starting to remind me of Mandrake."

"And he was a hero." Piper added.

* * *

"Eat the damn food!" I yelled. "I made it for you!"  
"No." Nathaniel blandly said. "You eat it. I'm not hungry." He pushed the plate fool of pasta towards me.  
"Now you're just being silly! You know that I can't eat!"  
"I don't really care." Nathaniel pushed away from the table in his wheelchair and began to advance somewhere in the living room. I angrily grabbed the handle and prevented him from moving.

"You are going to eat this." Nathaniel turned around and stared at me. His face was hard to read at the moment. I only hoped he wouldn't say something stupid.

"I hate you." Is all that came out. "I wish you weren't here, I wish you were back in that stupid Other Place where I left you. I did you a favor, you hated me you wanted to be gone so why did you come back?"

"Because Kitty summoned me to try and save your sorry ass!" I replied, clenching my fist.  
"That's the only reason I guess...that figures, bet you wouldn't say that to Ptolomey. I bet you'd say because you loved him and cared about him but I'm a different story. You love him so much that you even take his form. Well that say a_" In one swipe of my hand, Nathaniel went flying out of his wheelchair and landed somewhere across the living room. I advanced towards him with full speed.

"Don't you ever talk to me like that again, don't you assume you know me." I warned.  
"Yeah, because I'm not Ptolomey, he could talk to you like this all he wanted to right?" This boy truly was stupid, either that or he just didn't care. He slowly crawled back to his wheelchair and hoisted himself up. There he sat and stared at me. I stared right back at him.

"Is there something wrong with you?" I managed.  
"Well...other than the fact that I'm paralyzed waist down, nope...I'm completely fine." Nathaniel replied. "Why? Didn't know you cared."  
"I don't."  
"Fine."  
"Fine."

* * *

Sorry again for such a short chapter. Jane is alive...not a good thing at all, poor Kitty. Anyway, I don't own any of this. Please review and oh, check out my other stories.


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